It was my seventh month of pregnancy, and we were left with no place to live. Two weeks from closing on what would have been our first home – the movers were booked, locksmith scheduled, boxes purchased – and it all fell through at the appraisal.
We had prayed from the beginning of our home search that God would open and close doors. We constantly surrendered it and tried to hold it all loosely. Yet here we were, our current apartment was already leased to a new tenant, so we were starting from scratch. Anxiety and anger began to overwhelm me…along with all the hormones.
We had just moved halfway across the country from our families and now we were left with one week to find a place to rent. And not just any place – it was the one we would bring our first baby home to. I was shattered. All I could think about was that most people already have their first nursery set up at this point, and we didn’t even have the bare necessities in order.
By God’s provision alone, we found a townhouse that wasn’t necessarily what we wanted, but everything we needed.
My belly grew and so did a clear impression that we wouldn’t be in that townhouse for long. After a few weeks, our emotions settled down, and my husband and I began to get this inkling that the house sale fell through because there was something unexpected ahead.
And there was. No more than two months later my husband got offered a job back on the east coast and after much prayer and consideration, we took it. We stayed in that townhouse through the summer, welcomed our precious boy into the world, and when he was just three weeks old, we drove back east.
Here we are. Back in Connecticut, in spite of our best-laid plans. The closing on our first home just took place last month and we are settling in nicely, without a hitch.
Reflecting on the past 18 months has me thinking a lot about trust: do I find my security in myself and my current circumstances? Or do I find it in God? If I’m honest, I aim for the latter and constantly battle with the former.
For most of my life, I felt as though I was forcing myself to trust God. As though if I tried really, really hard to believe He would come through, and squeeze out my little mustard seed of faith, He would deliver. My circumstances (and myself) were magnified and in my mind’s eye, He was minimized. It wasn’t until recently that I finally understood that trusting Him isn’t a “should,” it’s a “can.” I can trust Him because He is the most trustworthy. He is far beyond and above anything I will ever face in this life.
Even when (perhaps, even more so) I’m in a situation that is painful, one I don’t understand, I am challenged to be still in my soul and trust that He holds the road map and ultimately has the final word. So I am continuing to learn not to trust God because I hope He will give me what I want (even though as a human, that is a reality in my heart), rather I trust Him because as I get to know Him, I see how profoundly and perfectly good He is.
What’s more, when we choose to surrender all, die to self, and live in and through Jesus, His promises are surer than anything we can touch. He freely and generously offers us perfect peace (John 14:27), unconditional love (Ephesians 3:17-19), provision (Matthew 6:31-33), a working of all things for good (Romans 8:28), and so much more.
When the false feel-good mantras of today fall short (e.g. – “God only gives you what you can handle,” “everything happens for a reason,” etc.) and your circumstances well up to staggering heights, I encourage you to turn to Him. Ask Him your hard questions. Go to Him when you don’t know where else to turn. He is patiently and lovingly waiting, wanting to hear your doubts, fears, insecurities, and questions.
So whatever struggle or leap of faith you’re wrestling with today – a new job or no job, a big move or staying put, a new relationship or an old relationship, sickness or health, anger or forgiveness, renting or buying, excess or want – turn to Him. Whether everything seems to be coming together or falling apart, He is weaving something more beautiful than anything we could ever imagine.